My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
