my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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