Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Pants are for mortals
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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