Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Randomize
