Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Randomize
