I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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