I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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