My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
