I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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