for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
