He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
