I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
