I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
