Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
