No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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