yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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