i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
