the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
