Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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