I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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