I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
