Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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