Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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