nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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