People in love make me want to vomit
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize