She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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