He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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