Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
