just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
