I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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