woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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