I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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