I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
