i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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