Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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