life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
