remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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