If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize