is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize