why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
