guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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