Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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