at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
