The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
