i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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