Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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