She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
