capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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