On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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