Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
