Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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