i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
