smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
