Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
