The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
