just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
