Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
