I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
