I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
