after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
