I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
