I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
