I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
